Brief Thoughts From An Analytical Overthinker

I’ve thought long and hard about the choice of love versus fidelity to purpose. As if one could only choose one or the other. Either or, never both. This started when I was about twelve or thirteen, when I was in middle school and began reading some of my favorite series. I was a preteen and a young teenager, I was finally growing up and getting to read more young adult books and watch some more mature shows and movies with my family. For some reason, this question stuck with me and it wars within me–originating fully with The Inheritance Cycle. 

A book series so fully detailed, that it has its own languages. Plural. Christopher Paolini is a magician with words, and I’ve found myself immersed in his world more times than I can count. So much so, that I take to his ideas today rather than create my own. I want to talk about the desire for love and relationship in comparison to the fidelity of purpose. How one can find fulfillment in either. I want to talk about the importance of self before others, taking care of oneself and becoming whole before intertwining one’s life with another’s. Healing before bonding oneself to someone despite how much love may be between them. 

I recall a moment so clear from my senior year of high school–I can’t remember if this is before or after my boyfriend and I broke up, but it doesn’t really matter. During both the lifetime before and the years after that relationship I have been so clear on what I want, and how much I intend to get it. At this such moment I was sitting in my AP Literature class, a class full of young women, with only one male student and a male teacher. We’re discussing a Shakespearean character, I can’t recall which, and he asks the class what the one thing all women want above all (secretly or visibly), especially during the Shakespearean era. I immediately raised my hand, so sure of myself. When called on I exclaim, “Success!” Only for my teacher to say he wasn’t sure that was it, and for all the other students in the room to agree that it was love. I couldn’t believe it. I was SURE it was not love. How insipid I would need to be to need the love of another so deeply that it was what my whole being screamed for? I’m now older and wiser. I understand the desire for companionship and I have found myself yearning for it on occasion, yes. However, I have never wavered (except maybe a few times, briefly) on the fact that I would still exclaim “Success!” again and again. And as I grew older and wiser and reread The Inheritance Cycle and rewatched Game of Thrones (though purely for enjoyment and not to calm this thought), I was finally able to put it into words. The argument that warred in me. Medieval works of art are so great at putting it into perspective that I was able to see clearly why the themes resonated with me so intensely. 

Reading Paolini’s gold mine, I found myself the entire time rooting for Eragon and (spoiler alert!) Arya. I cheered him on during every conversation. I got secondhand embarrassment when he flirted with her so brashly in the first two books. I love a good Happily Ever After, and I wanted nothing more than a HEA for my two favorite characters. The first time I finished reading the series, I felt so disappointed they didn’t get what Roran and Katrina got. Instead Arya took on her parents legacy, and got what she’d only dreamed would happen for the last century. Eragon got to teach an entirely new generation of Riders. He got peace and hard work. And I was truly happy for them in getting that, but an inkling in me still thought, what if? Eragon was so desperately in love with her, he had been for years. His growth from a boy who was brought into a position of power in a war of which he had no training or warning for to a man who has accomplished so much, has matured and lived is exquisite. It happens both over a span of years and in mere seconds. He wasn’t ready for Arya for the longest time, nor was she ready for him. HIs crippling back injury wasn’t just a trial of physical strength and appreciation for such, it was a trial of fortitude. It helped him to see the world differently, it helped his training in understanding the life of each individual being and how they impact the world. He needed to fall and rise again as many times as he did in order to be the person he became, and she needed to see that. As I always say, timing is everything. When the time finally comes, the timing for them isn’t right. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway, though. For they both are in positions of so much power that they can’t abdicate. They have a purpose and it’s a purpose that requires them to be separate. But how to make that choice? Does fate decide? Does fate exist on its own or in compilation with the choices we make? His cousin chose love. Roran both had a purpose and chose love, but his purpose came along his journey of achieving his Happily Ever After. And that purpose was not that of Eragon’s. So, love? Or purpose? 

In Game of Thrones, we see a lot of love–but we see more purpose. Daenerys follows her fidelity to retrieving her crown. Alas, she finds love along the way, one could even say multiple times. But she always puts the crown above all else. Jon Snow does the same. In the end, we see him quite literally stab Daenerys despite his love for her, because it was for the good of the many. He knew he needed to save the people from torment and unwarranted cruelty. Arya knowing she has love in her grasp as well in her final episode of the series, and yet choosing her journey of discovery anyway. Is there any morality that must be faced in the making of the decision? How, again, does one choose? Can you have both? 

The answer depends on the person but I’ve found that my heart is big enough for many. Big enough for my family, my friends, my jobs, acting, but it’s not so big that they all have equal weight. Desire for success and drive for my artistic ability will always feed my soul and that gives it an indescruitable amount of weight. It’s what I think about every single day, no matter what. One of the first things I think about when I wake up in the morning and one of the last things to flash across my mind before bed. The tasks I must complete to be able to feel the passion of creating art for the rest of my life. And maybe that’s what it comes down to–what are you most passionate about?

I was reminded this year of the few basic needs of all living beings. Food, water, shelter, and companionship. The Medieval and Shakespearean eras are wonderful examples of such and the basic needs of a human being. We can learn a lot from looking back at them. Are we similar to this state of mind in our modern world? I wonder if we still exemplify this course of discovery or if modernity has caused us to look instead only to love. Do we strive for both?