“A Life That’s Good”

Time is a fickle thing. Time is everything and nothing. It can be such a huge factor in things, or none at all. I think it may have changed my life. 

Did you know I used to be the shyest little thing? It’s true! Knowing me now, you would never have guessed. Sammie? Who got into the car of a stranger in a town she was unfamiliar with? That’s impossible! But it’s the truth. Not with everyone though – not my family. When I was in the presence of family I was as bold as ever. (In fact, my mom tells the story that I was the kid they always had to have a firm hold on when out in public as I would take the hand and go walking with any random person!) I’ve always been friendly, just not necessarily outgoing. Today I could get any stranger’s life story with 10 minutes and a smile. I was less sure of myself then. 

The most likely moment it started is ironically my favorite story to tell. I hope Jordan can appreciate the impact it’s had on my life, as she was the center of it. When we were quite young, our parents used to dress us in matching outfits.  In fact,  we looked so similar, we were often mistaken for twins. She ended up getting glasses a few years later and for the next 15 years we escaped the doppelganger curse (or so I dubbed it during my preteens), but for those initial years we looked nearly identical. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much? This led to my later adamance that we looked nothing alike. She was my best friend in those years. The one who got annoyed with me when they dressed us up like that, the one I played with at recess (we always hung out with her friends because I had none), and my bunk bed buddy. I remember it very clearly – I was in kindergarten or first grade, and she was in first or second. It was afternoon recess and Jordan and I were talking on the edge of the playground about jukeboxes, don’t ask me why. He suddenly walks up, Zachary, my first ever crush. I couldn’t tell you what he looked like, I couldn’t tell you what his personality was like, I don’t remember. I just recall his name was Zachary and I was in puppy love with him. At the time, I was in love with the idea of love. I made him marry me over and over again in after school care. I made my mom wait as I made him put the yellow (gold) hair tie on my ring finger. Oh, the dedication to detail. He walks up to us and I pick a dandelion from the ground. I hand it to him and say “Here Zachary, this is for you” with the biggest, goofiest smile on my face. Impassively, he gently takes it from my hand, turns slightly and hands it to my sister. My sister!! I was heartbroken. Jordan didn’t even care about him, she had no desire to marry him every afternoon like I did, she and I even looked the same. And from that moment onward I retreated inwards to myself. 

I always joke about how I never forgave her for it, and that’s why the three Lammert kids always fought like wildebeests. It’s not true, but I would say it for years. It was the first moment I remember feeling like I absolutely didn’t belong, though. 

I felt that way for years. I thought it was me, that something was wrong with who I am at my core. It was something I really struggled with for years – not fitting in. It’s funny, all it took was time. I’ve been a lot of things over the 21 years of my existence. I’ve been the weird, shy girl. I’ve been the theatre kid. I’ve been the sorority girl, the party girl, the crazy cat lady. But I’ve never felt more like I belong than I do today. Maybe it’s the time, maybe it’s the place. I mean, maybe it was the time and place of where I’m at right now in my life. I’ve been working on myself a lot these last six months. I just knew I could do better, be better, work harder for my heart’s desires. And I have been. I’m really proud of how far I’ve come. 

I’ve had jobs before; I’ve had jobs I’ve liked, jobs I’ve hated, jobs I’ve simply just done. Right now I have a job I love. It’s strange to me to be excited to go to work and see people I admire and appreciate. To be excited for the train ride there because I feel a sense of confidence in the fact that I’m going to actually be doing something today, and not just sitting around chatting with people online and simultaneously finishing 6-10 episodes of whatever it is I’m watching at the time. I feel satisfied by the end of the day, whether it’s been an easy one or a stressful one. 

I’ve enjoyed school before, I’ve always had a certain curiosity to me; but I’ve never been as ready and excited to learn before. I’ve loved being around the people and certain aspects of education, but I still checked the time periodically to see how much longer there was of class (maybe that’s just the inner ADHD, though). Today, on my third day of my senior year in college, I found myself absolutely delighted to be in class. It may have even overshadowed my effervescent joy on the first day! I am excited about the work, I am prepared to do it, and I love how present I have been throughout it. I love what I do and I am loving this last year of school moving towards it. 

I love my cat. I’ll just leave it at that. Despite the 5:15am wake up call. Today he learned how to turn my alarm clock onto static with the volume all the way up! He also learned how to turn it off and get out of my reach before I could swat him away and turn it off! This means I woke up every 15 minutes between 5 and 8am! My boy is a genius!! How do I make him unlearn it?? Anyway, I love him so much. 

A few days ago, I was on the train home from work, and of course, there was another music festival because it was the end of summer. I’m not against them, I love a good music festival once a year, but I just get frustrated sometimes with how much it delays the CTA when I’m on my way home after a long day of work. I’ve gotten old, sue me. But this day, the people standing next to me were talking about how they accidentally took the train in the wrong direction for 30 minutes before they realized it was the wrong direction. Naturally, I offered them my infinite CTA guidance (I have said information because I, too, have spent many a day late due to not understanding how public transit works). After I get on the train, I sit down and a guy asks me if he can sit next to me. Well, of course! But it was nice of you to ask. He sits down and he asks me where I’m going. Home, I’ve been working all day. What about you? He tells me he’s on his way to the festival and that he’s guiding a group of teen boys on how to get there as they got absolutely lost. We talk about what we’re doing with our lives, about our family, about our past, and about our future. It was so light and so fun, one of my favorite train experiences. Did you know he worked in tech theatre in high school? Well, of course you didn’t but neither did I and now I do! We had the silliest conversations too and it was the best medicine after a long day. It was after I, Lady Samantha of the Pink Line (thank you kind sir for the gracious title), had left the train station, I realized that I just felt right. I also realized that I am a mad genius because it took me two and a half minutes to find him on Instagram, and at the time, I didn’t even know how to spell his name. Ironically, his name was also Zachary. Isn’t that just full circle.

It was a Bella Swan moment for me. Except, instead of stumbling my way through life – I was going through life just a tiny bit off. Something wasn’t lined up, something hadn’t clicked into place. And now I’m here, walking through the city, spending the mornings with my quirky ass cat, getting a little too into my character for the role I was cast in, actively acting on my purpose in life. Which if you hadn’t gotten by now, is to act. Sitting in a coffee shop drinking a double espresso that I absolutely do not need but also do at the same time and writing my blog. I am content. I am at that sweet spot in my life that I’ve always wanted to reach. When I was little, all I wanted to do was grow up and be an adult with this joyous life that made me feel satisfied every day with how much I’ve accomplished. And while I’m 21 so I really haven’t accomplished much, I do feel satisfied. I still want so much. I mean, it would be great to be able to feed myself off of my acting career alone, I’d like to have an Oscar, I’d like to have graduated with a bunch of honors, I can’t skip to a new chapter in my story. I’m at a place where I’m enjoying everything I have. I still have days that put me down, but how will we know joy if we don’t know hardship? How can I understand all that I have to offer if I don’t overcome challenges? I’m in a sweet spot where I’ve overcome those challenges and hardships, I’m not that shy little girl anymore. I grew up. And I will continue to grow up, but I should let it happen, I can’t wish it away. I finally feel like I fit in, I feel like I’m supposed to be exactly where I am. Like everything before it was all culminating to this time in my life. And it feels satisfying. I am finding the joy in everything that I have and everything that is to come. I don’t have to feel like an outsider anymore, because I’m not. I’m Samantha Lammert and I am here because I have worked so hard to be. 

I don’t know what’s to come – but in this city, with these people, with this education, this job, and this career, I know I have a life that’s good.