“Time Is Making Fools of Us Again”

Do you ever feel like time moves both so fast and so slow at the same time? For me, my life revolves around it. As an actress, there are periods of my life that are filled with tasks and responsibilities but also periods where I just sit in my room all day and watch a full season (or sometimes series) of whatever TV show I’m on at that time. I prefer the former.

It hit me yesterday as I was walking home from work that I’m in one of those phases. For example, this semester nearly every week I have had 40 hours of rehearsal on top of 20 hours of work, 5 of improv and then cleaning my apartment, feeding myself, taking care of Atlas, and sleeping. Whoops! I forgot to mention my 19 credit hours! But I love this life of mine, it’s so satisfying. During COVID, I would be working from home and doing classes from home. This meant that most of the time I was wearing yoga pants and t-shirts everyday, most days not even putting on shoes. And I could watch 1-2 seasons of a TV show in a day, often falling asleep after 3 glasses of wine and the decision to just to finish through that season finale because I needed to see how it ended!! I would lay in bed, mind drifting as I watched and just wonder – Is this what I’m on this Earth to do? Is this my destiny? I felt so aimless. 

What I really thrive on is work and doing something that is productive. It often means I don’t have time for some more menial things (like homework) but I have my days filled and my soul satisfied. Having multiple different parts of my life needing my attention at one time helps me feel complete. Outfit changes most days because I have school then work, or a wedding then a film to shoot then the reception after. It feels like me. I am not a t-shirt and yoga pants everyday person. I am the corset and heels with jeans combo that changes into a different pair of heels 6 hours later for my work uniform. I am chaotic but also disciplined. 

I have different factors in my life that intersect and multiply. Yesterday a massage therapist asked if she could come and see the play that I’m in, and I made a new work friend! My theatre friends come to sorority events, and my Greek life friends come to see my acting performances. My Wentzville wolf pack comes to Chicago to see how I live now and the wheels keep turning. It gets hard to schedule and sometimes I get so busy that I forget to think about the small moments that I would find every minute of the day in my latent periods. In the last few months I’ve been able to do both. Live this extreme schedule and enjoy every moment of it, but also find the beauty of the small moments and take a moment to breathe it in. I wish I could take a picture of a certain moment the way it looks in my head and remember it forever. 

These months are flying by so fast, before I know it we’ll reach Christmas and Elisa may be returning to Spain. My sister will have graduated and be waiting for me on the West Coast, and Senior Year will be halfway over. So why does it feel so slow? I feel as though 3 weeks have passed by but it’s been a week and a half. I take pictures and mental snapshots and yet my memory is failing me. I want to live in this moment forever. 

The moment of walking to the bus stop for my call time and as I sit on the bench I realize I have worn out another pair of heels so that the bottom will come off soon. Never fear! I walked nearly an hour in them after the show and they still haven’t broken. The Shoe Gods look out for me yet. Taking an hour break to the beach with Rose and Elisa and falling flat on my ass on the cement while trying to enjoy the view. Oh gosh, that was so funny, I loved that. The feeling of an audience being completely entranced in my performance and knowing I only get 5 more nights of it. Seeing Atlas scurry towards me because he’s so happy to see me. That one happens nearly every day, but it never gets old. Sitting in the car with my friends shoving a morally promiscuous burger into my mouth and not caring what it was made out of, just enjoying the taste and the fact that it cost next to nothing. Seeing Rose standing in front of the most beautiful backdrop of clouds and having to stop and appreciate the moment. Picnics on the grass outside the theatre building. Dressing room vibes. Having my most valued instructor tell me he was proud of me. 

I no longer feel aimless. 

This is my destiny. I am the busy bee. The one who does everything and still wants to do more. I was meant to go out into the world and be productive. To inspire others to also wear what they want to wear. I want to be the sun in my own life. And I feel like I’m getting there. With a little more availability and action, with a touch of hard work I will get to where I want in life. I feel like the main character in my own life and I feel like that’s important. I have all of these other characters, all these minor roles, extras, and they’re all important too. They inspire and affect me as similarly as I may to them. I am the extra to their main character. But how can I drive that forward? I always want to do more. I have these crazy high expectations for myself and I know that sometimes I just have to be where I am, but does that mean I can’t have a higher drive for my life?

I am a procrastinator. A major one. I won’t deny that, it’s the absolute truth. But I still always get things done. My entire life changed when I submitted like 50 job applications on Indeed. I put it off and then intermittently would send out a cluster at a time because I hated my previous job but needed a fall back. One of them called me one day and I got the job on the spot. And I have been changed ever since. If it weren’t for that job would I have become as disciplined and responsible as I have? Would I have taken on the path that I have? Would I have felt as confident and inspired in my Hunchback and improv auditions? Would those groups have given me a chance? I’d like to think so but we’ll never truly know. All I know is this – I am so grateful for that turn and I love where I’m at now. But I feel closer to the destiny laid out for me. I sense that I’ve had an impact on others in some way, shape or form, and I know for a fact that mine and Atlas’ lives are better off for it. I make it sound like my life was an absolute mess and I was in a gutter before that phone interview. That’s not true! But mentally it felt like that, I didn’t have a purpose to fill myself with. My heart wasn’t as full, my soul wasn’t being fed, I just felt like I wasn’t doing anything meaningful. Now I do, and that speaks volumes for me. 

So, how do I keep that feeling alive for myself moving forward? How do I enact this during my next latent period? I just keep moving forward and remember this place that I’m in right now. And remind myself that there will be a full schedule and a full heart in the future. There is so much space in the world to be taken up, and we all have access to it. We as a collective have a journey just as we all do as individuals. We just have to take action. I say that and I know I’ll probably forget that mindset in the next 15 minutes, but it’s the trying that counts. The thought processes that lead up to conclusions, the ever present continuity that needs to happen. We don’t just come to realizations and that’s the end of it. It’s a constant reminder, at least for me. So, here’s to reminding myself. 

“Time makes fools of us all. Our only comfort is that greater shall come after us.” – E.T. Bell