That’s It, I’m not Going

The holidays are stressful. Let me repeat that, the holidays are stressful. Yesterday was January 5th and I JUST posted a Christmas picture. I have things to DO. Honestly though, we’re coming upon that time where soon my siblings, my parents and I will be in different parts of the country–not just hours apart, but states apart–and that means dividing up who’s hosting what holidays. That’s right! Holiday division time. When we were in high school and first starting college, my siblings and I used to pick out who would take what. For instance, one of them was adamant about getting Thanksgiving, the other wanted New Year’s Eve because it was always a tradition as kids to go to our grandparents for the weekend during that one. I wanted the spring holidays! Spring is my favorite season, it’s not too hot, it’s not too chilly, and it has the most relaxing holidays! Easter, St. Patrick’s Day, etc. Bright and colorful, lots of pastel snacks and a good amount of alcohol involved. We also always assumed that Christmas would always be at my parents house, but not so true–it’s already been planned for my sister and I to host next year because we’ll be in a warmer state. A fun little secret you won’t guess–where we’re moving to and why! And honestly, I am totally okay with hosting. In fact, I would much rather host than attend Christmas at someone else’s. Let me explain why.

It all started after a long day and it magnified with a loooong walk. That’s right folks, it’s one of those stories. And just to preface–I lost another pair of heels to a good story. At least this time I had already worn them at least 3 days a week for a year and a half. They were my black leather ankle booties; they were classy but casual, I could dress them up or down, I could even wear them to work! I also happened to wear them down already to the point of coloring them in with black sharpie. Totally not ashamed. Alas, that’s where it all started. It was a long day at work. Very satisfying but long, and I’d worked that 8-10 hour shift 4-5 days in a row while also finishing up meetings, Christmas shopping, planning for travel, and donating plasma in the suburbs. Which, by the way, is an hour trip there and back in the cold. So, I get home from work around 8 or 9pm and I have to finish packing really quickly because I was meeting my best friends Rose and Elisa at Elisa’s apartment for our weekly girls night (Christmas Edition!) before Ellie and I left for Missouri for the week. Luckily, I had already finished packing the night before and morning of, but I was obviously bringing Atlas with me so I had to pack all of his things and get him gathered up and situated. Now, I really feel bad for this poor kid, he doesn’t even like to travel and here he was–about to embark on an adventure like never before. I finally got him in his carrier, all bags are packed, and for once!! I did not forget anything. Well, we walk the 8 minutes to the bus stop and sit down and wait for the 8 bus. 

Let me set the scene for you. It’s finally starting to get cold in Chicago. Not scarf-covering-mouth and gloves-cannot-come-off cold but you-must-absolutely-wear-a-winter-coat-and-hat cold. I’ve got Atlas’ carrier strapped across my left shoulder, a mini duffel bag with his stuff, Rose and Elisa’s presents, and a bottle of wine across my right shoulder. A larger shoulder strap cooler full of empty tupperware my mom later traded me for home cooked meals, some extra things I needed for the train, and snacks. Then a suitcase that’s large enough to be checked at an airport (apparently) but too small to be considered large, packed up but not too heavy, and has a broken extended handle. What do I mean by this? I mean the handle that pulls out so you can drag it behind you. Yeah, that’s broken. So I have to lean over and grab the fabric handle built into the top of the suitcase. Plus my big purse! 5 bags. Me. With my bad back. Sigh. 

Flash back to the scene! I sit here frustrated, tired, and aching. My back was already hurting and now I’m carrying all these bags. 10 minutes pass by. I’m sitting there with my 5 bags and getting annoyed that the bus isn’t coming. I check the CTA updates and this bus says it already came. It most certainly did not! Thank you very much. Well, I’m not about to sit here for another 15 minutes just for the next bus not to come, and then still have to walk after getting off the bus. So I started walking the whole way. It was only supposed to be a 25 minute walk that ended up being a 30 minute walk. You might not think that’s a lot, but it is. It just so happened that the entire time I walked, the bus still did not come. Believe me when I say I was glad I did not wait. I only stopped to take a break three times which I think is pretty powerful of me! I did that in tall heeled boots with 5 bags and without jostling my cat! That’s impressive. It didn’t feel that way though. I was so irritated that as soon as I got to Elisa’s they started fawning over their favorite kitty and I went into the other room and laid down on the floor by myself in the dark to calm down for a few minutes. The best part? I have such good friends that they knew exactly what was wrong and gave me a few minutes, when I came back they handed me pasta and a drink. God I love them. 

I have a point though! I ended up having the best time that night. Well, actually then I slept through my several 5:30am alarms and woke up 10 minutes after we were supposed to leave for the train station. We hurried to get ready, and because Atlas was so confused by the hurried car ride to the station, he ended up pooping in his carrier twice in the first hour of being on the train. Which I had to clean by hand TWICE as he roamed around the Amtrak bathroom floor. He thoroughly enjoyed doing that though so I feel like maybe he pooped the second time on purpose? He IS a genius. But my point! My point is that traveling for the holidays is so stressful. Christmas itself is stressful because it’s so intertwined with others. There’s planning, present shopping, mentally preparing to see extended family members. Everything. If I’m going to be so stressed, I would rather host, because let’s be honest I’m going to be stressed either way.

A holiday much more suited to my relaxed mental capacities is New Year’s Eve. I worked both New Years Eve and New Years Day all day, I got to see one of my favorite cousins, and I got to have a roaring good time! Besides, New Year’s Resolutions! Need I say more? I loved this New Year’s. My friend/coworker and I went to a bar crawl and a house party. I say bar crawl but really we only went to 2 bars. And that’s mainly because we went to the wrong one first! We went and checked in with the bar we purchased tickets with and they said we couldn’t use our tickets because they’d already been used. Obviously we were outraged! We didn’t mean to, but we pulled a Karen… And the general manager told the bouncer to give us wristbands. We stay for a minute, check it out, leave and go to a house party for 30-45 minutes then leave to go back to the bar. My cousin bought tickets for the same crawl as us and we were trying to find each other but we just couldn’t. After an HOUR of searching, we finally were able to conclude that my friend and I were at the wrong bar. We were supposed to be at the one next door. That is named the exact same thing as the one we were at… That still makes me laugh. I got to ring in the new year absolutely smashed with my cousin and my friend, though! Life is good and I am happy. Besides, now I get to make New year’s Resolutions. 

I’ve always taken a lot of stock in them because I believe the best resolutions are the ones you’ve already tried to start enacting before the previous year ended. Then there is the typical–’to actually work out this year.’ I won’t lie, I’ve had that one on my list for the last 3 years. I usually do follow through on mine though, except for last year where I only had 3 resolutions. Going into 2019 I typed up a list of resolutions and taped it to my dorm wall to remind me of what I wanted to work on. There were about 10 of them and while not all of them stuck, at least I tried them and decided whether it was something I wanted to apply to my life or not. One did stick though, and I’m still doing it years later. Journaling. I always wanted to get into it but never practiced enough, I guess. But in my college years it has helped immensely and I find that it will help me in my future. Plus then my children and grandchildren can look back and see how incredibly awesome I was. Those 10 resolutions in comparison to last years 3. I’m gonna get vulnerable with you guys real quick–those three were starting therapy, finding the joy in the little things, and working out. I got 2 out of 3 though! You guessed it, the working out didn’t last more than 2 twenty minute runs down the block. But I stuck with therapy and it’s helped, I think it should be a life staple. I also have really taken ‘Finding the Joy’ to heart and almost get mad at myself when I go a day without it. Even if it was just the way the city looks in the evening, I tried to find at least one moment a day until eventually I stopped counting them or consciously looking for them. It’s not the big events that feed our souls, it’s the little ones. 

I think I know exactly what I want to strive for with myself this year, because again it’s already something I’ve been thinking about/working on for weeks and/or months already. Obviously I need to start being more fiscally responsible. I want to be saving every penny by choice not by necessity. I mean, I donated my plasma for money for a month. Believe me, I understand the life of a starving artist. I want to plan to be better to myself in that regard. I want to get closer with my brother–both of them. I want to buy a car so I can stop breaking my shoes by my excessive walking, no matter how much I love it. Let’s be honest, excessive walking counts as exercise right? I think we should count it. I also want to work less and focus more on cultivating my craft. Acting doesn’t count as work when it’s my passion. Though, I would welcome that being taken over by my workaholic tendencies. I want to be in the moment and not try to skip to my next chapter. I understand that I’m neurotic and there’s no changing that, but we can’t write our next chapter before we live it. It writes itself every moment of every day and sometimes I just need to let go and relish in it. I want to listen to my impulses instead of ignoring them. And most importantly, I want to work out regularly. That was a joke! But it also most definitely was not a joke. Maybe if I put it in writing it’ll actually happen this year?

These resolutions are so much more metaphysical than my past resolutions, but maybe that’s because of the place that I’m at in my life currently. Someone told me recently “you just look so happy” and I am. I’m not always, but we’ll never know joy without sadness right? Last year was good, but this one feels better. And this year I won’t even have to travel for Christmas! Already off to a great start. Happy Christmas and an even Happier New Year.