Ye Of Been Burned Before

Recently, I moved across the country – I called it my “half cross country move” since it technically wasn’t from one coast to the other. Would you believe me if I said it was just a regular trip? That the move was wholly mundane? Of course not. Why would that happen? As it happens, I personally was lulled into a false sense of security. In May of this year, I graduated from University and moved all of my belongings a few weeks later to my parents house in Missouri, as most know. Those avid readers know every sordid detail of that stay. A few weeks after that article was posted, it was time to fly the coop again. I spent WEEKS packing. It turns out I have a lot of shoes, who knew? You will be sad to know that I did have to get rid of about 13 pairs of heels that had irreversible Chicago streets damage done to them. Nevertheless, all my heels (and shocker! A few new pairs of tennis’) were packed up and safe in a VERY large Uhaul. All of my worldly belongings in one truck. It was a bit surreal to be honest. On the day we were supposed to leave, we woke up and got ready. Packed all the last minute items and I got little Atlas ready. Gave him his morning pills, his anxiety meds, and put his ThunderShirt on (this is the most adorable thing you will ever see, truly). We caffeinated and left the house on what we thought to be an extensive, goal oriented girls trip (plus Atlas). Boy, were we wrong. 

Within the first 20 minutes, we pull over to fill the tank up to the top. This was my job – paying for gas. Just filling the last half up to the top – $80!! One should have expected, but we had no idea what we were getting into. Joanne and I had a good laugh about it and got back on the road. I would like to say up front that my mom told me I was obstinately not allowed to fall asleep while she was driving, which is my go to on road trips. She said ‘if she has to be awake, so do I.’ And I succeeded. We decided we were only going a certain amount of hours each day and that this would be a 3 day trip. The first evening destination – Dodge City, Kansas. In all genuinity, this first day was the most mundane. We sang, we talked, I let Atlas out and he laid on my lap and kept trying to get into Joanne’s purse. We bought many, many road snacks. We stopped off at Wendy’s to get sandwiches for lunch and salads for dinner. Very delicious, I do not regret that choice. When we pull into Dodge City is when everything begins to go slowly downhill. Prepare yourselves. 

First of all, we could not find the hotel. All we could find was a cemetery. And I was not sleeping there overnight. Eventually we twist and turn and find the hotel, Joanne had an incident with a portico that I’m not allowed to speak about. I assure you though, it was one of the best memories I can attribute to her person. Anyway, we somehow got into the back ‘large truck’ parking lot of the hotel and made our way inside. Now, I have never been to Kansas, but this was not what I expected it to be. I assumed it would be just like Missouri, and it sort of is? It’s hard to explain. Once in the hotel room, we change into comftier clothes, Atlas gets his next round of meds, we check our phones and start to relax. Except drama from home ensues? It seems Joanne is entirely necessary to speak to all people, neighbors, family, strangers alike. I won’t get into that but it seems she is entirely imperative for all social systems to run properly. Her and her damn people skills, it turns out they’re not wonderful just at parties and events. As she fielded texts and calls, I officially got to change my address! For the 5th time in 4 years. We settled for the evening and played with Atlas, ate our salads, watched Iron Man. Who would have thought that Atlas loves hotels as well? He was absolutely the perfect hotel cat, he’s not even this good when he’s at home! I was shocked out of my mind. I had no idea what to expect but it was not this. I can genuinely say for the first time in the several years I’ve known him – Atlas was a perfect angel. Which is wonderful news because that means he’s a great trailer cat and I can rest easy when it comes to him and my career meshing well. It’s something I’ve struggled with a lot. The two loves of my life – Acting and Atlas. Now I know what you’re thinking, Samantha that sounds fairly mundane. You said this was dramatic. Ahh but false sense of security remember?

In the morning we leave Dodge City, we decide to get on the road a little bit before we stop again to refill the gas tank. As we get out of Dodge City, we enter a smaller and more rural town. We see 2 gas stations right next to each other which is wonderful! We’ll have our pick of the crop! We stop at the first pump we see, I hop out of the car. And by the way, it’s 100 degrees outside. I keep trying to pay for the gas but it turns out the pump doesn’t work. We pull up to the next one – it doesn’t work. Now, I’m getting really frustrated by this point. We end up waiting for a man to leave to use his tank (since we know that one works) and we’re able to fill it up, but only $100 worth. So, unfortunately, not to full tank. We start to drive. I kid you not, I see a genuine tumbleweed roll by in the wind. I try to cast the frustration from my mind and just focus on the drive. I started to talk and made a joke about it being a “one pump town” which I thought was HILARIOUS. Get it? Only one gas pump worked in the entire town! Genius humor. We push through this drive, we’re exhausted because neither one of us really sleeps all that well in general. Let alone in hotels. Atlas gets his head stuck in a cheese puff bag before we can stop him, we miss a turn, the usuals. We make our way to Oklahoma! I liked this state, I’ve never been here either. I only got to go to one gas station to get snacks, drinks, and gas but I liked it a lot! And not just because I could make Dirty Rotten Scoundrels quotes. But also because 3 males of varying ages went entirely out of their way to hold doors out for me. Everyone was friendly and easy to smile. I just felt like this was a genuinely kind state. We get back on the road after another $100 fill up. Which I didn’t realize was a thing? Gas stations cap you at $100? I found this out at age 22. I had no idea. We traversed our way over to the panhandle of Texas. I even got Joanne to let me play country music for an hour or two while we were in Texas. She is a steadfast country music hater so this felt like a very big win for me and I even found a few new songs I liked that I’d never heard before. Thank you, Good Directions by Billy Currington. Added those to my playlist real quick. After my mom fielding calls all day and me having to respond for her (she was driving), we ended the day in New Mexico. Another state I’ve never been to. I liked this one too!

We enjoyed the views, mom a little bit too much though. At one point I told her if she had me take one more picture I was going to scream. I had this game where I was trying to take a picture of the state sign of every state we entered. I really tried my best. I missed Kansas entirely, barely missed Oklahoma by a hair’s breadth because I was not looking at all, and Texas I got the exact side of. Flat Stanley style. I was determined to get New Mexico and Arizona. I had my phone ready for about half an hour before I realized I was killing my battery waiting with that damn camera open. Just when I decide to put my camera away and tune into my mom’s conversation – Oh! And there it went! I swear, the vivacity of the expletives yelled out of my mouth? I wasn’t aware my body held that much strength. Joanne starts DYING laughing. Because she definitely just saw what happened. Her conversational counterpart asks what the hell that was about (probably) and Joanne tells her “Sam has been trying to take a picture of every state we pass into and missed all 4 so far.” So, of course that person starts cackling. I’m laughing just recalling it, I can’t make this shit up. Genuinely this is just how my life decides to roll out. It comes in waves of good, bad, and hilarity. So after my stunning miss, again, we decide to be done with the Wentzville drama for the moment and continue on to Albuquerque. Our next evening stop. We get into the hotel and put everything down, I immediately need to give Atlas a shower. Oh, did I forget to mention? After the sign, there were 3 occasions in which Atlas pooped just a little bit in his carrier. Yeah… I had to clean it up each time with wet wipes, tissues, and hand sanitizer – which luckily I keep in my purse at all times after the ‘let’s poop on the train, mom’ incident from last winter. So I get a gentle cleanser and shower with Atlas – which went about as well as you can imagine. He decided after that that he got to lay in the dead center of my hotel bed for the evening. I let him, he was being so good anyway. Joanne and I went across the street to a burger joint for dinner, which happened to be closing 10 minutes after we got there. So I felt bad about that but they understood. Another evening of reading, watching Friends, and fielding calls. 

The next morning, we left Albuquerque early. Grabbed donuts, gas, and finished our hotel coffee. When we made it out of the city, we tried to listen to High School Musical 2 and relax (Get it? Because it takes place in ALbuquerque?), but we’d spent the majority of the last 48 hours in a cramped Uhaul full of stress. We made the most of it, until Atlas pooped in his carrier again. Didn’t make it all too far that time. I, again, cleaned it up. This happened 2 more times over the next 6 hours. Poor guy. As you could guess, I just BARELY missed the Arizona sign again. I was frustrated. But here, 3 pages later, is when the climax happens, folks. We’re mid conversation in Tucson when we hear a loud pop, grind, and then the Uhaul starts to sound like a motorcycle. I looked around to see if maybe something had flown off a car in front of us and hit one of our tires? Nope. My mom pulled over to the side of the highway, and turns the car off. We wait a few minutes and try to pull back onto the highway, and BOY is that a bad idea. It sounds even worse. She pulls over to the shoulder again. She calls the Uhaul assistance and they tell us to sit tight and wait for a tow truck that they’re sending. Thank goodness Joanne is always buying the insurance on any avenue she travels with. 

We sit there, no AC, in a Uhaul on the shoulder of a major highway, and rock back and forth as cars, trucks, and semis speed past us. I feel like this is the proper time to mention that I have a fear of situations regarding cars. These huge metal contraptions are actually so deadly and they terrify me sometimes. If someone squeals to a stop very suddenly, while I’m a passenger, it takes a few minutes to get my heart rate normal. I’ve been in several car accidents (and near misses) of which I have not been the driver. I have seen firsthand the damage car accidents can do to drivers. It scares me. So, rightly so, I’m freaking out a bit in the passenger side. I’m fanning Atlas with a paper fan Joanne made because I’m so worried he’s going to overheat. I’m silently stewing in my own anxiety, heart rate rises exponentially every time the Uhaul rocks back and forth after a particularly speedy car. After 45 minutes, I (not so calmly) fire questions at my mom about where the damn tow truck was. They said it would be 45 minutes! She tells me just to calm down and she calls again and gets an update that the tow truck was delayed. Apparently in the town about 20 minute behind us, there was a massive storm. I’m sweating, I’m stewing, and I’m ranting expletives, because I can’t think to do anything else, as I pet Atlas. Joanne again tells me to calm down. I mention that this kind of thing always happens to me, I’m cursed. To which she says, “Ye of little faith” and my rebuttal, “No! Ye of been burned before.” Eventually I just give in to my second anxiety attack as we near the 2 hour mark of sitting on the side of that road. I think at one point I said, “You’re not helping! Just let me read my stupid smutty romance book to calm myself down. I just need to be left alone or I’ll spiral more.” Upon which I could just see a look on my mom’s face that was the epitome of that backing away slowing with head down and hands up motion. You know the one I’m talking about? The one that says “this bitch is crazy, I’m gonna just exit the conversation.” Looking back, it’s very funny. But I was flipping my lid. This was my worst nightmare. Finally, 2 and a half hours after we initially had to stop, the tow truck arrived. We grab all of our stuff, Atlas, and get in the front of the tow truck. He hooks everything up. We’re getting ready to pull onto the highway to drive to the town 20 minutes back where they will fix the Uhaul after giving us a new one, which they will have movers fill (for free, thank you insurance) with all of the belongings from our previous truck. Now, I’ve calmed down. But after 2 attempts to get this town truck and Uhaul onto the road, he stops again and has to call his boss. 

Joanne and I sit in this tow truck for another 30 minutes. We soon find out that – I swear to God – the tow truck may need a tow truck. I cannot make this up. Eventually his boss works on the tow truck and it turns out the tow truck does not need its own tow. We get back on the road, it takes us longer than 20 minutes to get to that town. We hang out inside while they look at the Unaul and tow truck and work out the details with reception. How many times can one person say tow truck? It should be a drinking game at this point. We blew a spark plug. So, not our fault at all. Anyway, they give us a Uhaul that’s newer and nicer than our original one. They have movers switch everything from the original to the new. When the spark plug blew in the first place, we were 4 hours outside of my new apartment; we were set to arrive around 6pm at the absolute latest. My sister had taken an early day and her boyfriend took the day off so they could be there when we arrived and unload everything. At this point, we are a 6 hour drive away and the movers hadn’t finished re-loading the truck until 3 hours after we arrived. This is an 11 hour delay from start to finish, by the way. Luckily my mom made friends with the mechanic and his wife. They informed us that it was lucky we stayed at the hotel we did in New Mexico because that city was renowned for Uhauls getting stolen? Quite literally the only hotel that we could’ve stayed at to make sure that didn’t happen since it was right next door to an airport. The unconscious LUCK we had. I got to walk Atlas around the parking lot on his leash because it had cooled down significantly and he needed to stretch his legs. We both made friends with the two movers, one of which – by the way – hit on my mom. He was about 25 years old MAX and literally asked her to dinner. I was like – I’m standing right here!! We finished there around 8:30pm? They led us in their car to the gas station, my mom went with one of them to buy water for all of us as I was waiting for the gas to finish filling up. And the mover that had hit on her goes, “oh wait, she’s your mom? I thought she was your sister. Why do you call her Joanne then?” Facepalm. People don’t usually ask me that. To be fair, I often call her Mom or Mommy as well! I’m not crazy. Once we get back on the road, we make it about halfway back to Phoenix before we need to take a break to get more gas and for my mom to take a quick cat nap. I had taken my contacts out about an hour prior because they were killing me, so I went into the gas station to put money on a certain pump and when I was squinting everywhere, the guy at the register thought it was so funny. It was 1am on a Monday (technically Tuesday) and I definitely looked like a wreck so I just said “Mondays, huh?” and left it at that. He thought it was quite funny. I time a cat nap for Joanne and after we get back on the road – we eventually reach our destination of Phoenix, Arizona. The two of us, with my sister and her boyfriend, put all the animals in separate rooms and started to unload the Uhaul. We finish at 4:30am. FOUR-THIRTY IN THE MORNING. 

I slept curled up in a ball in Jordan’s brand new bed for 2 hours at 6am because I was dead tired, as she slept downstairs in her boyfriends apartment and my mom crashed on the couch. It was quite the adventure. At one point when we were unpacking, I saw her boyfriends dog in his kennel and he kept trying to get to me to lick me – I walked out to my sister and said “Dude, that dog is mad friendly.” She thought that was the funniest thing. I totally didn’t get it, but it’s okay. Maybe it’s because we were slap happy and genuinely hadn’t slept in 3 days – but Joanne and I have a lot of things that the other two said that we can make fun of them for forever. 

Believe it or not, after that wonderfully disastrous move – things have been smooth sailing since. While in Missouri I hadn’t had one of my weird adventures. I started to get a little disheartened, thinking it was only my residence in Chicago that led me to have such wacky stories to tell. It turns out, it’s just because I have to be out and about to have them. How to tell a story when you haven’t lived one first? Honestly, they happen to me quite frequently now. As of 2 days ago, I have officially been a resident of Phoenix, Arizona for a month. Never a dull day, either. I’m honestly quite happy for that trip. It was a mother-daughter bonding event between Joanne and I that we hadn’t had before. It’s also a hell of a story. No move will ever be as complicated now. I don’t think?