Lights On

It’s time I tell my truth. That’s right, I’m finally here to tell the story. Every year, my childhood (and current) best friend and I take an international trip because experiencing the world doesn’t have to wait until you’re older! In 2024, we decided we wanted to go to Germany—it had been recommended to us by our horseback riding instructor in Iceland (gosh that makes me sound so posh). And, I mean,  how could we turn down free advice? Almost a week in Berlin, followed by two nights in Hamburg, two nights in Koln, then a week in Amsterdam, and one final night back in Berlin to catch our flight–Oh my! I’d say it was the trip of a lifetime, but every trip we take ends up that way. 

Now, I say all of this as a preface. The real story I’m about to tell you? It’s about, wait for it, a lamp. Yes, a LAMP. You may be thinking, oh wow, how boring or who cares? Reader, you’re not ready for this journey I’m about to take you on. Buckle up.

This tale starts in Berlin, where my bestie and I have been going to local markets and exploring—no set itinerary for each day, just “life as locals”. One afternoon, while going to tea, we came across this artist’s shop covered in ivy and florals and with the door open for fresh air. This store was absolutely adorable. It had the artist’s design on everything from kitchen towels, to coasters and bookmarks, to wall clocks, statues, and even lamps. There was one design that just spoke to me; a caricature cabaret scene right out of the 20s with moody lighting, dark makeup and a redhead front and center. Obviously I was obsessed! I got a wall clock for my best friend back in LA (who is also a fake redhead) and a lamp for myself. We had a bit of a language barrier with the shop owner who tried to tell me something about the pieces but we were so ecstatic to have found the best souvenirs that it slipped my mind until after. Now my best friend (who we’ll call K for privacy reasons), reminded me right away that I’d still have to get this large breakable lamp to a whole other country and back again before even making it through customs to go back to the US but I thought, what the hell! C’est la vie or whatever they say in Amsterdam. Customs can’t keep me from my new treasure! I kept it packed and safe in my bags the whole time (which is a feat) considering we were backpacking luxuriously through Europe with giant Cotopaxi’s). It turns out, I jinxed myself and did get stopped coming back into the US but not because of my lamp. I just got heavily searched and swabbed coming back. I mean hands wiped down, mouth swabbed, shoes checked, the whole nine yards. I was a little scared that my souvenirs would get me in trouble but I was also a bit drunk from our airport beers so I kept cool. I started to panic yap about romance books to the TSA agent to prove I was a good person? Don’t ask questions, it worked. This woman was a very big fan of Colleen Hoover in an age where It Ends With Us had just released to theatres so I really lucked out. I swallowed down my severe distaste for Colleen and just smiled until I finally made it back to K and we could laugh about it. Yikes. Another airport beer, please!

Now this is where I thought my appliances trouble would end! I gave everyone their souvenirs and the clock was a hit! The dutch handmade clothes for my cats, also a hit! The lamp? Still hadn’t tried it but I was very optimistic. Now, if you know me, you know I’ll put something on my to-do list to get done immediately and then nine months later I’ll actually get around to it—like this article!  In this case, it was only a month or so before I finally settled back into work and life and remembered to put a freaking lightbulb in this thing. Mind you, I change all my lightbulbs myself because I’m big and strong and independent. I did not realize though that different lights need different bulbs and all I had was a box of lightbulbs fit for your average ceiling fixture. I still don’t know what that kind of bulb is called, truthfully, and I don’t care. Anyway, I tried it and it OBVIOUSLY didn’t fit because this is a slender modern desk lamp and that’s when I realized I needed to pivot. I talked to my most grown up friend (shoutout to Jake) because being over the age of thirty qualifies a chat about lightbulbs, in my opinion. And you know what? He cooked. He told me it reminded him of the bulbs that went into his nightlight when he was a child, so I went on Amazon and ordered that immediately. I also got the outlet adapter because let’s not forget that this is a Type C plug in cord thing, I needed a way to get it into a North American Type A outlet. Girl, they’re all different. It took a few days but when it came, I got so excited thinking I figured it out and all my woes were ended… Dear reader, I was so wrong.

The adapter was great! But the nightlight bulb didn’t fit. Alas. Apparently, not all lightbulbs have the same bottom piece? Some are screw ins, some are push- ins, some are whatever the heck else exists- ins. I learned a lot about bulbs during this time period, against my own will. With the nightlight as a bust, I started to become frustrated. A gorgeous, handmade, German lamp and no way to turn it on! A few days later I was on set with an acquaintance and we caught up, he asked me how I was and I told him all about my lamp. He had suggestions though! He said, don’t worry, you can go into Home Depot and they’ll be able to walk you through it. That or I could rewire the lamp so that the voltage matches that in the US, but that’s a last resort because I definitely don’t know how to do that. So, a few days later I’m getting ready to go to a trivia night my friend is hosting and made a quick pit stop at Home Depot. I’m looking through the lightbulb section, it’s like 7pm on a Monday and gosh, the weirdos came flocking. I press the help button and am waiting for a store associate when a 60ish year old man comes up to me and ‘tries to help me’. He was all up in my grill asking me questions about what I was looking for, where I got the lamp, where I was going later. This man smoked a pack a day and I can tell you that for a fact because his hands were that close to my face and I could smell it. The store associate comes and attempts to help me so, I tell him all I know. The strange man tells me he could facetime his brother who lives in Germany if it wasn’t 2am there, etc etc. Until it divulges into the store associate googling what type of bulb it could be and the strange man trying to get me to guess what song beat Bohemian Rhapsody out of the number one spot on Billboard’s Top Ten… Dude, I don’t know. Spoiler alert, it was Mamma Mia.  He was weird. Then he asked me where I lived because he was trying to (supposedly) find out if this ‘Bulbtronics’ place was close to me. Supposedly, he was just trying to recommend a lightbulb superstore to me where the associates will know exactly what it is that I need and be able to help me on a deeper level. Whatever, I wrote down the location but didn’t tell him my address. It’s at this point the Home Depot worker tells me he just has no idea what I could possibly use for this lamp and that, I quote, “[he’s] stumped.” Always a good sign. 

I gave up on that venture and headed to trivia night where I illegally parked in a McDonald’s parking lot and ran outside, half a margarita in, because I got a notification my car door was open and I thought it was being stolen. Turns out they were just trying to tow it! But I was wearing a dress and heels and said “hey that’s mine, can I please have it back?” and that seemed to work. God bless these sexy calves. They gave me the car back and I didn’t have to pay but that’s another entirely different story. 

A few days later, I make the trek to Bulbtronics. It was early, I was tired, but by golly, I was confused when I parked and I know it wasn’t me that was the problem. I was told this was a superstore, a place where an associate could help me if I walked in. This was a warehouse not a store. I tried to call the location but it went to an automated call center—something was not correct. I went up to the building and tried to find the front door though, because I might potentially be the first to die in a horror movie. I open the door (surprisingly open though altogether unmarked) and walk inside, lamp in hand. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there right away. , Yyou ever get the feeling you walked into the wrong place and just know you’re about to be the most difficult part of someone’s day? Well it happens to me a lot. This was that, exactly. I hear a few men talking to each other in these large warehouse aisles full of lamps and other home accessories. Casually and not at all afraid, I call out ‘hello’ a few times… And after a few words and a few head peeks over to the stacks, an older man comes up and asks me if he can help me. I start nervously rambling my story to him as he walks me to his cubicle. HIS CUBICLE. Am i about to die? I can tell by looking at his face no one has ever wandered in like this before and he’s a bit confused but he sits me down and lets me explain. Mr. Lightbulb Man (who we’ll call Sparky) listens intently and asks me questions. He walks around his cubicle, full of empty Variety Chip boxes and 2L soda bottles with walls of bookshelves stacked with different bulbs and wires. He grabs a few and tries them out in the lamp to no avail. Humph! Goes and searches the warehouse for other options, to no avail. Extra humph! He comes back, types on his computer a bit, leaves to look for something and comes back a bit forlorn. According to Sparky, there’s not a single correct lightbulb in their stock. They could order some in, but it’s a Turkish lightbulb and Bulbtronics would have to order it in a case of 12 minimum, then it would ship to me. This option isn’t ideal, said Sparky, because he doesn’t actually know for sure that this bulb would work, but if I purchase it from Amazon then I could test it out and if it doesn’t fit then I can return it. I appreciate the honesty. Sparky did tell me though, if this Turkish E14 bulb doesn’t work then I am out of bulb options and would need to pay someone to rewire the entire lamp for me. The issue with the bulbs, wiring, etc is that the voltage for electric appliances varies depending on the country. Say I purchase a toaster in the US and take it to the UK, even if I use an adapter outlet then chances are that the voltage is too low and the toaster still won’t work. Sparky broke it all down for me, I feel almost like an expert in some cases! He also told me, and I’ll remember this forever, “I hope you know that three grown men will now think about you for the rest of their lives.” Not the first time, Sparky. “This will keep me up at night. I’m considered an expert in my field and I have absolutely no idea what to do here.” I have stumped several people with this lamp and my attempts to get it to work in the States. 

I go home, a little enlightened and a lot amused that this single lamp will now keep multiple people (me included) guessing for the rest of our lives and purchase this stupid lightbulb from Turkish Amazon. It takes a week or two but it finally arrives, this single, tiny bulb that will make or break my day… As soon as it arrives, I put it in the lamp—low and behold, it fucking fits. It’s a screw in and it fits. It’s perfect. I want to call the call center for Bulbtronics and tell them my friend Sparky truly IS an expert in his field! I’m so excited that I plug it in immediately so I can have moody lighting the whole day. And as soon as I plug it in, my heart stops for a second. The lamp, it’s not on. It’s plugged in but the light is still off. I try tapping it thinking maybe it’s a touch light. Nothing! I unplug it and replug it in. Nothing! I unscrew the light and screw it back in. Absolutely nothing! It’s at this point that I realize the lamp doesn’t even have an on switch… Not a single button or switch or dangly thingy to turn it on… Seven whole months of my life I’ve spent trying to get this beautiful lamp that I bought on an exquisite trip to Germany and it doesn’t even have a fucking way to turn it on… A  few days later I was over at my friends Jill and Jake’s house whom I gave the clock to, and they’ve already hung it on the wall above the coffee bar. I ask them how they got it to work and you know what they said? Batteries. Regular, average batteries and this clock runs perfectly and regularly. Not very c’est la vie if you ask me. 

It took me seven months of trying to get this lamp to work and you know what, K was right the whole time. I still kept the last Turkish bulb that I bought, just in case I decide it’s ever worth it to get the lamp rewired in an attempt to use the lamp. That feels like a lot of extra work though, when the whole point was to remember my trip with my best friend. And I did just that, albeit in a roundabout way. It pissed me off at times but it made for a really good story! This tale kills at parties when I can convince someone to let me (submit to, more like) yap for twenty plus minutes. You know, maybe one day I’ll even go back to Germany and talk to the artist to find out how to turn the light on. Or! Next time I’ll listen to K and not purchase a sixty euro lamp in another country just to spend half a year chasing a lightbulb that won’t work anyway because the voltage on the lamp is too high… But c’est la vie. It’s a fun story and it’s educational! No more lamps for moi.